Amalea Lorayne Krill

Amalea has a real hard time sleeping by herself. Even if she falls asleep in one of our arms the second we put her down she wakes up. I don’t really mind all the snuggling we get to do.

Enough of the fluffy adjectives about how great it is to have a child. Bottom line is, it’s hard. I’m starting to have a deep empathy and understanding of all parents and what they had to go through to raise each of us. Sure some of us were probably harder then others, but newborn babies are just all around hard to deal with.

There is the feeding every 2-3 hours (in Amalea’s case it feels like every hour). Then there is the screaming, oh she’s good at screaming. She should be a deep sea diver one day because sometimes she goes for minutes without breathing because she is screaming. My mom says my sister was the same way – great. Thanks Steph. Then there are the diapers, which actually are the easiest part in my opinion.

Amalea is almost two weeks old, and I feel like we’ve reached a beginning point of having to realize that this is our life now… whether we like it or not, we have to cater to our little ones needs and outbursts and sleeping patterns and everything else. What can we do, just ignore her?!? No way. But when it’s 4am and she’s hungry and poopy and she’s been fed every two hours all night and we both haven’t slept much, there is a moment when you hesitate – like just before jumping into a cold pool – and you say something like, “ok. Here we go again.” and you just do it. Over and over.

It’s a humbling experience. I’m not saying we’re hating it – in the end, we look at her and are still overwhelmed with emotions – mostly love – and we agree it’s worth it. But as all of you who have kids already know and don’t need pointed out, it’s hard. We’re just acknowledging our weakness.

Amalea sure is feisty – but I wouldn’t want her any other way.

It rained today. We love Rayne.

Here are some pics from today’s photo shoot (just for you weph).

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who has been so kind to us during the last week.  Robin and I feel as if we are in a cloud, with being tired and the strangeness of this new reality, and we know that so many people have done some really nice things for us, or sent us a card, or cookies, or gifts, or food, etc.  And we just want you all to know we are so thankful for amazing family and friends.  We couldn’t have gotten through the last week as well as we did if we didn’t have you all – so THANK YOU.

Hopefully one day we will be able to repay you in some loving way.  God Bless.

It’s 4am.  ^_^

I feel amazed every time I look at Amalea. Amazed that God choose Jim and I to be parents for this child, amazed that she was in my stomach less than a week ago, amazed that she is healthy and strong, amazed that Jim is such a great daddy, amazed, amazed, amazed.

I am recovering well. The whole birthing experience was insane. I nearly made it without any drugs, but when I got to being 9 cm dialated I just couldn’t do it anymore – all I wanted was a break. I got some much needed rest with the medicine and then they turned it off so I could start pushing. The doctors were certain it would be an easy delivery since Amalea appeared to be low and ready. I was not prepared to push for 2.5 hours without any breaks. My contractions were 1 minute apart so there literally was no rest. By this time all the medicine had worn off and the pain was a bit intense. The doctors ended up trying the vacuum (and leaving a nice little bruise on Amalea’s head), but even that didn’t exactly work. It helped though and finally our little girl entered the world.
The only problem was that there was no cry. The sweet sound I craved to hear didn’t come and instead the doctors begin yelling “code pink”. 2 or 3 more doctors rushed in and started working on Amalea. Jim and I didn’t know what was going on and we just prayed and cried and begged for God to give us the sound of her cry. The doctors told us that she was breathing and that she was ok, but it was a very scary few moments for us. They did have to take Amalea away for a little bit and do some work on her, including pumping her with drugs, suctioning her stomach, and who knows what else.
The intensity of the birth definitely made Monday hard on all of us. Amalea was extremely out of it all day (too many drugs) and I was as well. She wouldn’t nurse so they had to give her formula which she just threw up. We told the doctors Tuesday morning that we did not want her to have formula and that they did not have our permission to give her any (though some nurses still wanted to). All she needed was time and by Tuesday night she was nursing wonderfully.
Needless to say the whole experience was quite incredible. Yes painful, but also worth it. Amalea is a true joy and as I said earlier I am constantly in a state of being amazed by her every move and sound.
I thank you all for your prayers and phone calls and visits. I am looking forward to being without pain so that I have nothing hindering my attention from sweet Amalea.

Like our friend Zoe Debenning – Amalea loves to throw her hands up when she’s sleeping as well.

Mommy put me in the sun today… ahhh… so nice.

Poor Amalea got daddy’s hiccup syndrome ^_^ sorry my little Rayne.

I don’t worry. I just don’t. Even in Youth Ministry when I am in charge of a bunch of teenagers going away on a weekend trip, I rarely worry. I guess I forgot what worry feels like. I’m not saying its good or bad to worry – but I have never experienced worry in my life as I have these last few nights.

When Amalea was born, they took her away from Robin and I for the first few moments because there was some issues with her. I can’t explain to you what it felt like in those moments as Robin and I both pleaded with God to let our little one be ok. I’m not one to believe that God does what we say all the time, as if prayer was some way of controlling God (like magic spells) – but I found myself nonetheless pleading for what I wanted; for Amalea to live. Turned out she was fine, she just didn’t start crying right away, and they had to take her to the ICU to get an IV and some shots… but in those short moments, I found worry.

Over the last few nights, Amalea has had some normal baby issues of spitting up, coughing, fussing, and twitching. With all this talk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) it is so hard to put Amalea in her bassinet and just let her sleep. I found that I can not sleep, every inch of my nerves are on full alert listening and responding to every sound and movement she makes. I want to sleep – but my mind won’t let me go unconscious. How can I leave consciousness? Who will help Amalea if she starts choking on her spit up? What if she stops breathing?

See. Worry.

Today we had our first meeting with Amalea’s pediatrician, and she was able to relieve a lot of my worries by just reassuring me that spitting up, twitching, being fussy – this is all normal. I just have to trust that babies have survived for centuries, many with much worse parents then Robin and I, and I can do my best to be there – but need not worry so much.

There are just so many unknowns that I am left anxious all night. But I need to sleep… so I will try tonight to trust that Amalea will be ok.

- Jim